


The Gay Card

by orphan_account



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Kinda Crack, hinata is caught in the middle, itachi exploits him, sasuhina - Freeform, sasuke pretends to be gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-29
Updated: 2013-09-29
Packaged: 2017-12-27 22:59:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/984658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knew using the excuse would come back to haunt him some day....</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Gay Card

The sign draped on the front door of Y&H-short for Yamanaka and Haruno's-hair salon read 'CLOSED' but Sasuke Uchiha knew he wouldn't be going home anytime soon, not if the women who paid his wages had anything to say about it. Sitting in the salon chair watching the blonde and the pinkette take turns in detailing him the exact way his testicles would be served to him on a platter if he messed up reminded Sasuke of a classic case of good cop, bad cop; minus the good cop, because these two were seriously bitches.

With Yamanaka's tongue capable of creating just the right insult to break a man's spirit, and Haruno's 4th Dan black belt status in Taekwondo to physically prove it if necessary, the two of them combined made for a merciless pair of ninjas mastered in the art of psychological and ass-kicking warfare. It took a lot to get into their good books, and a shit ton more if you wanted to stay in it. Sasuke knew; he was one of the lucky ones, having been smart enough to learn that the very first day he was employed although he suspected it was more due to the fact that they had constantly fought over who would be his girlfriend in high-school.

Tired of their bickering he settled the matter one and for all by announcing that he would rather be more interested in pursuing the neighbourhood idiot Naruto than having to suffer through one date with them. He had only meant it as a sarcastic comment in passing, but the two women had interpreted his word as law, and strangely embraced him in a new way. They had always fantasized about having a gay guy best friend to confide their insecurities in, and believed that Sasuke's choosing to work for them was because his family had disowned him for 'coming out'.

" _If you ever need anything Sasuke, we're here for you."_

_If only they knew…_

Sasuke always inwardly smirked when he reflected on this. He was such a bastard. The pair's reasoning could not have been more further from the truth, and the truth was he'd rather work for the two of them and put up with their PMS than slave under Itachi's rule in the Uchiha Corporation. Knowing Itachi, the older Uchiha would put Sasuke to work cleaning toilets in the building complex, explaining to their parents that this was a way for Sasuke to appreciate the wages earned from and the younger Uchiha quoted 'an honest day's work'.

What absolute horseshit.

Thankfully, now three years later, Sasuke was more or less blissfully settled into life as a hair and make-up stylist, giving advice to most if not the women that strode through the salon doors. He didn't even have to be nice to them. It was good for business: every woman wanted a gay guy best friend apparently, though Sasuke refused to act as the stereotypes suggested. He wasn't  _that_  desperate not to work for Itachi. With that understanding established between him and the female patrons in mind, the only people he had to worry about now were men who were actually gay coming after him.

Which, surprisingly wasn't as a big a problem he thought it'd be.

The few non-straight men who did enter the salon after hearing about him through Sasuke's customers knew on first sight that he was not one of them though did nothing about it because of a few subtle if not well-placed threats on Sasuke's part using Itachi's and the Uchiha family name. The older Uchiha's name was reliable in the sense that even if they did not see eye to eye, Sasuke knew there wasn't anything his brother  _wouldn't_  do to protect their family name. If not for Itachi the media would have had a field day about Sasuke's 'coming out'. That being said however, the older Uchiha was still an asshole. If he didn't endeavour to make Sasuke clean toilets at the family company, Sasuke wouldn't be working here in the first place.

_Although…_

Life had been good to him in spite of the circumstances. He had a steady paycheck, a place to call his own, and no Itachi ass to kiss in sight. Plus, there was always Sunday brunch to look forward to at the family home. Yamanaka and Haruno were at this point convinced that things were 'working out' between he and his family.

Well, kind of, but in a weird way.

Despite knowing the truth Sasuke's father still gave him odd looks every now and then, even pouncing one time when he swore he saw Sasuke raise his pinky finger while drinking tea with him. Truthfully, Sasuke had only meant it as a joke but Fugaku Uchiha had practically  _screamed_  'dishonour' and went on an angry tirade of how he was never going to see any heirs to the Uchiha bloodline because his two dumb sons were "fishing in the wrong fucking koi ponds". It always brought a rare smile to Sasuke's face seeing Dad actually lecture Itachi: the perfect son, and lump him in together with Sasuke, the son who was anything  _but_. It was an unexpected perk of working at the salon, and one he constantly reminded himself of on the days he wanted to call it quits. Sasuke didn't know how he managed all these years but if he thought of things this way then yes, life was indeed good.

Yamanaka's face suddenly filling up his vision snapped him back to reality. "Uchiha! Are you listening to me?" she said, slapping him lightly on the cheek. "I don't want  _any_   screw-ups while we're-"

"Gone to the expo," Sasuke finished for her. Hell, 'expo' was the only word flying out of her mouth every two seconds. "Yes, yes, don't worry Yamanaka. The place will still be standing when you get back, just like it's _always been_  for the past  _three_  years."

At those words his chair suddenly swerved and he had to hold on to it for dear life as it was twisted into Haruno's direction.  _Oh shit,_ Sasuke thought, wincing as perfectly manicured and rose-painted nails pinched his cheek, almost but not quite hard enough to draw blood. All systems went on alert as he registered the malicious smile on her face: she usually wore this one before she handed someone's ass to them. Her strength was inhuman and he had witnessed first-hand the beating of a lifetime an asshole had gotten for cheating on her. Needless to say, the asshole wasn't the only one who learned not to fuck her over.

"Sasuke honey, are you sure?" Haruno purred, voice sweet and gentle but full of malicious intent "if we come back and there's so much as a  _hairdryer_  out of place…" her nails dug harder into his skin to emphasize her point.

"Don't you trust me?" Sasuke said, feigning hurt. Ironic actually, because it really did hurt and he didn't know why the hell he was pretending in the first place.

There was a steely, merciless glow in the pinkette's eye. "Of  _course_  I trust you," she sighed, grazing the back of her hand down the side of his face. "I'd just  _hate_ to have to deliver you and your face back to the Uchiha household in more than one piece if something happened."

"It won't," Sasuke promised.  _Crazy bitch._

"Good boy," Haruno said. Satisfied, she tapped him on the cheek lightly before releasing him and checking her watch. "Hey pig, did you remember to book our shuttle?"

Yamanaka, currently scrolling through their itinerary on an iPad barely even glanced her way. "Should be here in a few minutes,  _forehead_ ," she added, before suddenly remembering something and cursing loudly. "Shit!"

Haruno folded her arms and tapped her feet impatiently on the linoleum floor. "What?"

"The new girl, she gets in tomorrow?" Yamanaka said tentatively.

"Pig!" Haruno groaned, rubbing her temples in frustration.

"I'm sorry!" Yamanaka was giggling foolishly now "I was so busy preparing for the expo that I forgot. She didn't really leave a lasting impression on me during the interview."

Sasuke frowned. Interview? What interview? And why was this the first time he was hearing about it?

"I thought you said her credentials checked out."

"They do. She's just really…" Yamanaka shrugged. "You'll just have to meet her to see what I mean. Anyway, I told her to come in tomorrow. I can call her now to postpone it till we get back if you want."

Haruno shook her head and groaned. "No don't, that'd be a waste of time. Let Sasuke take care of it."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes at the both of them. "Take care of what?" he repeated. He didn't like the sound of this new girl.

At his expression both women laughed. "Don't worry Sasuke dear, there's no way we'd ever replace you," Haruno teased.

"Agreed, I mean where else are we going to find a good-looking,  _gay_  Uchiha?" Yamanaka chimed in.

 _Bitches,_ Sasuke thought. "So, who is this girl?"

"She's going to be working as a fashion consultant, but for now we want you to show her the ropes. Help her to get a feel of the way we run things just until we get back from the expo. Think you can handle a few days on your own?" Yamanaka said.

Sasuke shrugged. "I've done it before haven't I?" Understatement, he'd had the time of his life while these two were out of the picture. Expos to him were revered in the similar way he did Christmas in that they only came round once a year. For those few days that these two women disappeared, Sasuke's dick could actually breathe. He was surprised it hadn't fallen off by now after putting up with these two as long as he had.

Pulling a manila folder out of her handbag, Yamanaka's heels clicked against the floor as she strode over and gave it to him. "Play nice, alright? Her name's Hyuuga. Hyuuga Hin-"

 

* * *

"-ata, at your service," the young woman said, from beneath a wide-brimmed floppy sunhat as she bowed her head respectfully to Sasuke the next morning. "I will do my best to learn everything you will teach me."

Sasuke folded his arms over his chest, unhappy with the fact that he had to get up especially early not only to prep the salon, but to brief Yamanaka and Haruno's newest employee. To make matters worse, it looked like the newest edition to their team had not an ounce of fashion sense. Wasn't she supposed to be a fashion consultant? Dressed in baggy pants, an even baggier t-shirt and sneakers, the only giveaway that she was even remotely female was her soft-spoken voice. But voices alone weren't enough, and Yamanaka and Haruno were definitely going to skin him alive if he allowed her to walk around the salon dressed like…well, dressed like a prepubescent  _boy_  to be brutally honest. He may be a guy, but he had a hell of a lot more fashion sense than she did. Damn it, this was going to be a lot more work than he had been prepared to invest.

"Lesson one," Sasuke sighed, tapping the top of her hat. "You're working in an air-conditioned hair and make-up salon, not the deserts of Sunagakure. Lose the hat. Are we clear?"

"Y-yes sir," she squeaked. She stood up straight and reluctantly pulled it off.

 

* * *

The Uchiha stumbled and almost knocked the brushes off the counter behind him as he stared in disbelief. The moment the dreaded accessory had been removed, a waterfall of silky, blue-black hair cascaded down and framed a face beneath the hat, which was surprisingly beautiful; surprisingly just as soft and feminine as her voice. Rosy cheeks, a cute nose, full lips, and such intense violet eyes, it was hard to believe such features were natural to her. He had seen and met enough women who 'had work done' to know the difference, so awkwardly pretending to lean on the counter behind him was all Sasuke could do to stop himself from jumping her cute petite bones.

 _Fuck my life,_ he thought, remembering that he was supposed to be gay.

"I-It won't happen again Uchiha-san," she stammered, obviously taken aback by his harsh tone and not realizing the effect she had on him. Her gaze shifted to his shoes, too afraid of looking him in the eye. "I-Is there…anything else?" she inquired meekly.

Sasuke ran a hand through his hair, annoyed at himself. He didn't expect that the newest addition to Y&H would be drop-dead gorgeous, and he sure as hell didn't expect that he'd be this attracted to a woman he'd only just met  _twenty_  fucking  _seconds_  ago.

The gears in his head began to churn.

Perhaps his father really did hire that witch doctor he had been threatening to all those years to 'straighten him out'. That was the only plausible explanation the Uchiha could think of to understand his unfathomable attraction to this woman. Did she bathe herself in pheromones or something, because  _fuck_  he didn't know why his heart was pounding so fast.

Was this a test?

Did Yamanaka and Haruno find out his secret?

No, impossible; he had been way too careful to slip up now.

 _She's so…,_ the Uchiha's thoughts were all jumbled and incoherent.  _She's so…_

Her expression changed into that of worry. "U-Uchiha-san? Are you all right? Y-You're…sweating very profusely."

"Come with me," he muttered gruffly. Without even waiting for her to follow, he grabbed her by the wrist, and pulled her along until they reached the storage room in the back. He had to get this girl presentable before the customers arrived.

She sounded frightened. "W-what are you-where-"

Sasuke tossed a new plain black t-shirt with the Y&H logo on the front to her, before pointing to a shelf in the corner of the room where a collection of Sakura's black workskirts sat neatly folded.

"Pick one, doesn't matter which-they're all the same pattern and put it on. There should be a spare apron in the box next to it."

She held one up to her waist with a frown. "B-But it's too-"

 _Short, I know,_ the devil inside Sasuke smirked, thanking the gods that Haruno was extremely vain when it came to showing off her legs. "Lesson number two is presentation," he stated professionally. "Yamanaka and Haruno are extremely serious about maintaining our stylish and chic image in front of our customers. I don't even know why they hired you to be a stylist when you  _clearly_  don't care about what you're wearing," he said eyeing her attire critically. If he could, he'd make it illegal for her to ever step out in her sweatpants in public. The beautiful body he was certain that was hiding underneath it did not deserve to suffer through such an insult to the female body.

Hinata's face flushed with embarrassment. "I-I can explain-"

"Just  _get dressed_  Hinata," Sasuke replied curtly, closing the door in her face. As soon as his vision of her was cut off he leaned against the wall, letting out a bated breath that he hadn't realized he'd been holding in for quite a while. He struggled to fight off a nosebleed when he realized she was standing more or less half-naked inside, and that he could easily open the door and 'innocently' demand what was taking her so long.

Stopping himself just as his fingers brushed the handle, he shook his head exasperatedly.  _No, don't you_ dare _. You're meant to be gay, remember?_

He banged his head against the door, groaning. Life was a real bitch sometimes.

"U-Uchiha san!" Hinata sounded panicked. "A-Are you alright?"

"I'm fine!" Sasuke snapped. "Just-" he pinched the bridge of his nose, berating himself for snapping at her. "Just get dressed, okay? We don't have much time until the customers arrive."

"Hai. I-I'll be ready for you in a few minutes Uchiha-san."

Sasuke's nose really did start bleeding this time.

 

* * *

In the CEO's office of the Uchiha Corporation Itachi smiled at the two women seated across from him, currently looking like they were on the verge of going on a killing spree.

"What do you mean he's  _not_  gay?" the both of them screeched.

Itachi smiled and took a sip from his coffee. "He's just… _not_. Or do you want more evidence?"

"I don't  _believe_  this!" Haruno said, standing up and slinging her handbag on, making her way for the door. Yamanaka got up as well and followed suit. "After all I've done for him! I am going to teach that asshole-"

"There'll be no need for that," Itachi intervened, pressing a button on his keyboard and swivelling the monitor of his computer to face them. Both women went slack-jawed.

"You bugged our salon!" Haruno exclaimed. She tried to lunge at Itachi but was thankfully held back by the other woman. " _Pig_ ," Haruno threatened. "Let go of me this second before I-"

" _Wait_!" Yamanaka pointed. "Look!"

The image showed an uncharacteristically but obviously flustered Sasuke Uchiha pacing outside the storage room, muttering to himself and running his hands through his hair anxiously.

Haruno calmed down somewhat, and her expression became one filled with wonder. "I've never seen him like this," she mused.

"You obviously don't know Sasuke at all," Itachi said with a chuckle. 

"But what's so special about that girl?"

"Absolutely nothing.  Except for perhaps the fact that she just so happened to fall into a spot of trouble where I just so happened to be there to pick her up."  

"You're blackmailing her?"

"It's not blackmail if both sides benefit, Haruno." He pulled out a walkie-talkie from his desk drawer and swiched it on. "Hinata can you hear me?"

A timid voice filtered around the room via the computer speakers.  _"H-hai Itachi-san."_

" _She's in on it?_ " Yamanaka squealed, kicking off her heels and clambering into her seat to get more comfortable. "Forehead!" she called to the pinkette still standing dumbly nearby , "hurry up and sit your ass down!"

 _"I…tachi-san?"_  Hinata's voice said again.  _"A-Are you there?"_

"How are we doing?"

Haruno giggled, plopping down beside Yamanaka.

_"I'm a bit nervous.  Y_ _our younger brother's a very scary person."_

"It's just an act, I promise," Itachi winked at the two women in front of him, now shaking in silent laughter. "Are you ready?"

_"Ah...hai."_

"Remember: _exactly as I say_.  Otherwise I can't hold up my end of the bargain.  You don't want those nasty men to find you "

_"Hai, Itachi-san."_

"Good girl."

The rest of the afternoon followed with puzzled glances at the CEO's office as employees tried to comprehend the fits of laughter and wolf-whistling escaping from it. But no matter how hard they tried, no one would ever find out why their boss was in an unusually good mood that day.

And no one would ever be dumb enough to ask why.

**Author's Note:**

> Posted this on ffnet but it wasn't up there long because I left. Anyway, I like this site way better so decided to leave this here, as my contribution to the Sasuhina pairing. I find Sasuke and Hinata to be a very cute couple.


End file.
